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Official blog and geeky manifesto of The Ruku

Things I’ve learned during my time as Chow Yun-fat

July 16th, 2010 Posted in Computers & Electronics, Entertainment, Humour, Rants
Jul, 16 2010
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There’s something to be said about video game storytelling. Not to jump on the games = art bandwagon (by the way, fuck you Roger Ebert), but an exceptional game can whisk you away and provoke just as much emotion from someone as much as any movie or any book.

Also, higher chances of cleavage of epic proportions

On the other end of the spectrum, you have your mindless shooting games where your main goal is to turn anything not nailed down to a squishy, bullet-absorbing pulp. While fun in their own right, can you honestly consider Macho Dudes With Guns III: Requesting Backup something that would engage you emotionally? No? Okay, what if you were Chow Yun-fat?

Stranglehold is considered the spiritual sequel to the John Woo movie Hard Boiled; A Hong-Kong cop action flick. In Stranglehold, Chow Yun-Fat returns as Detective Tequila for a hard-hitting seven hours of shooting people in the face.

I learned a lot from this game, more than what they taught me at school. So I thought I’d share with you all my experiences:

1) Everything even remotely horizontal has oil all over it

As I ran through the Hong Kong markets; Checking out what’s on sale, trying the local food and shooting people in the face. I noticed that a lot of the benches were rather slick. So much so, that I could slide across one of the stalls with pretty much no effort required.

This wasn’t just for benches, either. It’s like part of the opening ceremonies in these places seem to be “cover fucking everything in KY Jelly”. Even the peaceful joy of sitting at a fountain and taking in the atmosphere was hampered by all the sliding around I had to do. While I didn’t get a chance to sit down and relax, it provided me with a rather decent tactic when it came to shooting people in the face.

2) During a standoff, everyone takes turns (except for you)

So I encountered a few angry locals. It probably didn’t help that I kept shooting them in the face. Occasionally, you will be surrounded by a heap of these guys. But fear not! They’re all very polite and take turns shooting you in the face while you can shoot them in the face to your heart’s content. Just be careful of bullets flying your way! Remember your upper-body Yoga training when you inexplicably lean in ways that would make any normal person break their spine.

3) Everyone is an enemy (who wants to shoot you in the face)

No, seriously. I asked this one guy where the bathroom was and the pulled a gun on me. So far, no sign of the “old granny with a shotgun” comic relief, but give it time, I’m sure.

4) Your thighs are powerful instruments of death

When I was still a nearly-jobless slacker trying to make you laugh about how small my dick was, any time I accidentally smacked my leg into a table I screamed bloody murder. When I was Chow Yun-fat and shooting people in the face, they may as well be made of Balsa-wood. The more sturdy they looked, the easier they broke. It’s as if my thighs were circular saws or something.

5) Explosions solve everything

Michael Bay haters take note! The guy might be onto something here. This one time I was reading a book, right? and these guys were shooting me in the face. So I took aim and shot a barrel nearby which someone conveniently placed there. I never got through so many pages of “American Gods” in a long time.

6) Drug dens are numerous and easy to find

Much like one could easily find their way around by taking note of all the McDonald’s stores in an area, you can easily spot a drug lab by the plumes of black smoke being pumped out from all the drug equipment. Given that apparently raiding a drug lab back home was a big deal, maybe they should have Chow Yun-fat go around and randomly shoot people in the face

7) Rockets emit blue smoke

So this one time I was up in a helicopter shooting people in the face and on the odd occasion, there was this guy with a rocket launcher. Thankfully, disarming him (and the rocket) was easy to find thanks to all the neon blue smoke it was pumping out. It was kinda like “whack a mole”, but instead of a hammer, I had bullets. Lots of bullets.

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Ruku vs Toyota: The Whole Shebang!

July 16th, 2010 Posted in Entertainment, Humour, Misc/Other Posts
Jul, 16 2010
3 Comments »

So I haven’t touched on this in a while, simply because somehow, things got busy and I’ve found better things to do.

It’s okay, I’m as shocked as you are.

If you’re not one of my many adoring fans/friends and family/creepy internet stalkers who are on my Facebook friends list, I’ll fill you in on how I come to have a short scuffle with a motor company.

A while back now, Dave (friend and drinking buddy) sent me a picture over Twitter of a new Toyota vehicle they’re calling the “Rukus”:

At first, I thought “what a fucking stupid name for a car.” Then it clicked. That’s a fucking stupid name for anything. But damnit, That’s my fucking stupid name I’ve been using for all things internet since 2003.

Granted, Toyota was gracious enough to add an “s” on the end to avoid my knickers getting knotted further about the situation. I have a feeling that “Rukus” was meant to be pronounced “Ruckus”. which brings me to two further problems:

1) Whoever does the naming of cars at Toyota sucks at spelling

2) Would you really want to refer to your car as a “ruckus”?

Nevertheless, armed with nothing better to do, I sent off an email to Toyota:

To whom it may concern,

I have noticed recently that you have announced a vehicle you’ve named a “Rukus”. While I’m sure this is unintentional on your part, I have a concern that there will be confuson when it comes to online advertising, as I have been using ‘Ruku’ as my net handle since 2002-onwards.

Not to get all “I was here first”, but seriously, I totally was, and I have witnesses to prove it. So I’m sure you understand the situation here. If a name change isn’t feasible at this point, perhaps I could endorse the Rukus on my youTube channel on behalf of Toyota or something like that?

Thankyou for your time.

Naturally, being a big fancy motor company, you’d think they wouldn’t waste time on someone who clearly has way too much time on their hands. Having a night job does that to you. (in my defence, finished Bioshock 2 and Mass Effect within the same week. JUDGE NOT!)

You thought wrong. A few weeks after my initial email (at a point where I completely forgot about it), I got the following response:

Dear Mr Sheehan,

Thank for your recent email received by the Toyota Customer Experience Centre.

‘RUKUS’ is a registered trade mark owned by Toyota Motor Corporation in Japan, and used by Toyota Australia under an exclusive licence. Toyota Australia is comfortable with its rights to use this trade mark in Australia, and we are not infringing any intellectual property rights in doing so.

We also disagree that our use of the trade mark (primarily in relation to motor vehicles and relates products and services), will cause any confusion with your use of ‘Ruku’ in online advertising.

In relation to your request to endorse ‘RUKUS’ on your YouTube website, we do not permit third parties with no association with Toyota to use our trade marks as it undermines the significant investment TMCA and the Dealer network put into promoting and protecting the Toyota brand.

We thank you for your understanding.

Kind Regards,

[Name withheld]
Customer Experience Consultant

Fair call I suppose. I can’t see myself selling cars under the RukuCorp(tm) brand anytime soon, so I guess there won’t be any trouble from my end. Though, I feel rather shafted I apparently can’t plug the vehicle on my YouTube channel. Ripped off much?

Then I got a little concerned. what if something does come up which might infringe their copyright? Sure, let’s face it. I’ve been known as Ruku since 2003 and I have people who can vouch that. But they own the trademark.

I sent the following reply. If we’re going to be sharing online and meatspace together, may as well play nice:

[Name withheld],

Thankyou for your reply. Just had one more question in regards to th ‘Rukus’ trademark. Should I be worried of any backlash from Toyota if I start making money via my use of ‘Ruku’ online? Or is it different enough to not cause any problems? I’m assuming so long as I stick to just being a self-centred angry internet blogger and don’t get into car manufacturing, I’ll be okay, right?

Not long afterwards, I recieve the following:


Dear Luke,

Whilst we appreciate your concern, it is really up to you to ensure you don’t infringe Toyota’s trade mark rights, and regrettably, we are unable give you legal advice regarding this matter.

As a guide though, trade mark owners such as Toyota can prevent third parties from using trade marks that are similar to our registered trade marks, if the third party uses the similar trade mark for similar goods or services.

You can obtain more information on this from IP Australia’s website, please find this information listed below:

http://www.ipaustralia.gov.au/trademarks/index.shtml.

In the instance you require any further information, we recommend that you obtain independent legal advice to ensure that you do not infringe.

Once again, thank you for contacting Toyota and giving us the opportunity to respond.

Kind Regards

[Name Withheld]
Customer Experience Consultant

So basically, they have full authority to shitcan me if I even dare using the name “Ruku” for “similar goods or services”.

Um, what? I’ve been calling my car the Rukumobile for months now, and it sure as hell doesn’t look like something that was designed on “Take your kids to work day”.

Seriously...

So basically, we’ve learnt from this that Toyota are just like any corporation: Arseholes. Thankfully. I think I’ll be getting my own back in the near future:

It's okay, Toyota. It's for a movie review site

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Movies That Should be in 3D

March 8th, 2010 Posted in Entertainment, Humour, Observations, Rants, Sights and Sounds
Mar, 08 2010
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Ahh 3D. Bringing our old-hat 2D films to life via the use of cinema trickery and goofy glasses which inexplicably get goofier as the technology improves. It’s certainly a novelty someone should experience at least once. That way, instead of retelling stories of life experience and passing on knowledge to their grandchildren, you can tell them you saw Avatar and how you felt you were actually there… Or something like that.

Shut up Grandpa, nobody gives a shit

Despite my apprehension when things are remade and remastered (though, I’ll certainly turn a blind eye if someone out there can make a Max Payne movie that isn’t tragically shit), there are just some films out there that were meant to be in 3D. What’s the point of using this technology if all you’re going to blow it on is Tim Burton movies and a movie which could very well be described as Pocahontas-meets-Fern-Gully on Steroids? Hollywood, if you’re listening, here’s some suggestions.

Back to the Future

A series of movies which made DeLoreans look awesome, Michael J Fox a household name (well, beyond “that guy in Family Ties” and later, “that guy with Parkinson’s”) and gave its fans a bunch of catchphrases which I’m sure will be passed on to later generations. I mean, calling someone a Butt-head is timeless, right?

Why it should be in 3D:

This one’s a no brainer. Despite bring nearly 30 years old now, the Back to the Future movies still pack a visual punch which completely complements the dialogue. There is no way you can convince me that a 3D upgrade of this is a terrible idea. I mean, you have a time-traveling vehicles, hoverboards, skateboards, cowboys, indians and of course, Biff Tannen.

"Wow, it's like Biff's actually there! ...Oh wait"

Why it shouldn’t be in 3D:

I could gush all freaking day about these movies, but let’s face it. Hoverboards don’t exist yet and it kills us. Having Back to the Future 2 in 3D will only add insult to injury.

On the upside, 2015 is only five years away.

Star Wars

Going with the “movies I grew up watching” theme, if we’re going to be seeing hoverboards and DeLoreans flying at our faces, why not the Millennium Falcon?

Why it should be in 3D:

I’m surprised this hasn’t been done before. With all the whoring Lucas does of his beloved franchise, he didn’t think “wait a second, we could just re-re-re-release the original trilogy in 3D” until after the release of freaking Avatar? Come on.

If you need convincing, think about the films for a minute. How many damned spaceships fly at the freaking screen in just the original Star Wars trilogy? About a million? Case closed right there.

Why it shouldn’t be in 3D:

Should we be encouraging George Lucas to keep whoring out Star Wars? Besides, if the original trilogy is released in 3D, we all know the prequels aren’t that far behind.

The Matrix

Despite spawning two kickass-yet-mediocre sequels and responsible for a metric fuckton of “bullet time” sequences in every damn conceivable format ever (I’m pretty sure they’re trying to bring it to FM radio now), The Matrix is a film which has firmly lodged itself into the collective minds of every sci-fi nut since it’s release.

Sure Keanu Reeves has a limited range of emotions but damnit, that film kicked the ass off of anything else released that year… Except for maybe Dogma, which also features a trenchcoat wearing hero. Does anyone else see a pattern here?

There are no Snoogans

Why it should be in 3D:

Not to keep fellating Back to the Future here, but “Think McFly! Think!”.

Tell me this wouldn't look awesome in 3D

The movie is already practically in 3D with all the bullet time and Matrix code going on. They may as well take that one step further and project Neo in all his bullet-dodging, kung-fu’ing, trenchcoat wearing glory onto your damn eyeballs already. Hell, even Reloaded and Revolutions would be worth seeing in 3D. Car chase, anyone? How about the humans raging against the machine at the battle to save Zion?

Why it shouldn’t be in 3D:

While I did say the sequels would be worth watching in 3D, they still won’t make any god-damned sense.

Watchmen

I’m sure I could mention other films in it’s place, like the equally good Sin City, but Zack Snyder’s Watchmen is by far my favourite comic book movie and one of the better movies that came out last year. While not even as half as well known as say, Spider-man or X-Men, the comic and the movie still manages to keep hold of a loyal legion of fans. The only disappointment I had with it is that I didn’t get into comics until recently.

Why it should be in 3D:

While there’s not as much to work with for 3D presentation as some of the other movies I’ve mentioned, it has it’s moments. Like the entire damn opening scene. Even the rest of the movie is enough to work with, if they play their cards right. Like you wouldn’t want to see Rorschach saying “Tell me what you see” inches away from your face.

Why it shouldn’t be in 3D:

Well… This could also be inches away from your face:

Serenity

What happens when you get a TV series by Joss Whedon canceled before it’s prime, lots of rabid fans and their unwavering support and a charismatic male lead who could easily out-badass Han Solo without trying? The space western movie Serenity, based on the TV series Firefly.

Serenity would be the Generation Y’s equivalent of Star Wars, right down to the story formula of “bunch of cocky rebels take on huge empire”. In fact, despite the fact I’m a huge Star Wars nerd? Totally prefer Serenity. Excuse me while I sit back and watch every sci-fi nerd’s head explode from that statement.

Why it should be in 3D:

In continuation of the “This generation’s Star Wars” theme, Serenity also has its fair share of space combat and firefights. Not to mention the complete clusterfuck of awesome which happens on Miranda. There is no arguing that watching Serenity in 3D would be a memorable experience.

Besides, we all want to get just that bit closer to Summer Glau

Why it shouldn’t be in 3D:

As it was based on a TV series and as much as Whedon did certainly try to make the movie as stand-alone as possible, you still need to know the basic gist of Firefly to understand what’s going on and frankly? You’re not going to be able to marathon even the key episodes of the show and then expect people to watch a two hour movie without some sort of discourse…. Or toilet breaks.

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Fuck you, Norway.

February 26th, 2010 Posted in Humour, Rants
Feb, 26 2010
3 Comments »

Okay Norway,

I’ve been pretty nice to you. When Weebl said “forget Norway!” I didn’t… Hell, I don’t even like Kenya.

…Okay, so that’s the best example I could come up with of me being nice to you. Still, considering I have no reason to give half a fuck about you; I’m being pretty nice.

That is until this:

PANTS

You go out dressed like that?! I mean, kudos and all, but honestly. You now have everyone praising your checkered love and you’re getting fangroups on Facebook and shit.

“What’s the problem?” I hear you ask? Using my Norwegian to English book I keep in handy for such situations.

Well, The problem is, I wear these:

Not pictured: My ACTUAL vans, which are worn to fuck.

Not pictured: My ACTUAL vans, which are worn to fuck.

Oh look! THE SAME PATTERN! Albeit monochrome. How come you get all the Facebook love JUST FOR WEARING PANTS while I’m struggling to promote my currently in pre-production webseries (coming to YouTube in 2010)? Come on. Don’t hog the limelight. At least I can get away with wearing my shoes out and about. Go and wear your fancy checkered pants at your local without being laughed at. Go on!

…Okay, maybe I’m being petty. How about you wear those pants on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, and I’ll wear my vans on Tuesdays, Thursdays, Saturdays and Sundays. It’s not like we’re fighting over testicular cancer or anything.

More to the point, with the getup you have now, why aren’t you wearing checkered vans? I mean seriously. If you’re going to wear the pants, might as well complete the ensenble. Total wasted opportunity there!

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